#!/bin/sh

case $1 in
   "" ) echo "Fuck *yourself*, asshole." ;;

   you ) case $2 in
           "" ) echo "Don't you like fucking humans?" ;;
           *  ) echo "You're calling *me* a $2?" ;;
         esac ;;

   me  ) case $2 in

         ""       ) echo -n "Removing all your files..."
                    sleep 5
                    echo "Done." ;;

         very     ) case $3 in
                      hard ) echo -n "Searching the network for a Cray to seriously fuck with you..."
                             sleep 2
                             echo -n -e "\nHold on, this'll be good..."
                             sleep 3
                             echo -e "\nCan't find a Cray on this net.  You luck out." ;;
                      *    ) echo "Yes, your \`$3' is very fucked." ;;
                    esac ;;

         harder   ) echo -n "Removing all your files across the network..."
                    sleep 7
                    echo "Done." ;;

         well     ) echo -e "Mailing to all users on this net:\n"
                    echo "  \"I've just had a sex-change operation and"
                    echo '   would like to check the new equipment.'
                    echo '   Volunteers please send me mail."' ;;

         terribly ) case $3 in
                      ""   ) echo -e 'Mailing to all users on this net:\n'
                             echo '  "I would really like to have wild'
                             echo '   sex with your pets and house plants.' ;;
                      well ) echo "Sorry, I don't have enough IO processors for that." ;;
                      hard ) echo "Sorry, this isn't a Cray." ;;
                      *    ) echo "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" ;;
                    esac ;;

         badly ) echo -e 'Mailing to all users on this net:\n'
                 echo '  "I need inflatable sheep for my sexual needs.'
                 echo '   Can you tell me where I might find some?"' ;;

         green ) echo "I just happen to know this farmer with a horse that"
                 echo "really needs something to fuck... Want the number?" ;;

         * ) if [ ${EUID-`id -u`} -ne 0 ]; then
               echo "Must be super-user to get fucked that way."
             else
               echo "Your wish is my command..."
               echo "$RANDOM"
            fi ;;
       esac ;;

   *   ) echo -n "Fucking $1..."
         sleep 3
         echo "Done."
         echo "$1 was truly well fucked." ;;
esac

echo